The Practice

Practice areas

The firm organizes its work into four practices. Matters described below are illustrative. They are also, officially, hypothetical.

Practice I

Weddings & Destination Events

The founding practice, and still the deepest bench in the field. A wedding invitation arrives months in advance, which amateurs mistake for time and professionals recognize as a paper trail. Our attorneys of absence begin corroboration early: a standing work conflict, seeded in conversation by August, matures into an airtight scheduling collision by the rehearsal dinner.

Destination events carry a premium, as the excuse must survive time zones, group chats, and at least one person who works for an airline.

Extracted a client from a ten-day wedding cruise, with the client's absence toasted in their honor.
Established a fictional shellfish allergy in 2019 that has since excused eleven raw bars.
Secured a client's exit from their own engagement party. The engagement itself survived.

A wedding engagement dossier prepared by the firm

Practice II

Recurring Obligations

A single excuse ends one evening. A recurring obligation requires an architecture of absence: rotating conflicts, believable seasonality, and the long-term management of hope. The firm structures multi-year exit programs from book clubs, monthly dinners, fantasy leagues in their fourteenth season, and standing brunches that no longer bring anyone joy.

Our practitioners are particularly proud of the Taper, a proprietary schedule of declining attendance so gradual that no one can name the month you actually left.

Wound down a client's attendance at a weekly trivia night over nineteen months without a single direct question.
Retired a client from a neighborhood watch that had never once watched anything.
Negotiated a client's transition from "member" to "beloved founding legend who visits" of a cycling club.

Practice III

Last-Minute Extractions

Sometimes the obligation is tonight. Sometimes you are in the car. Retainer clients may call the hotline at any hour and reach a live senior associate who will assess the situation, select a protocol, and if necessary place the corroborating call themselves, in character, within four minutes.

Emergency work is charged at emergency rates. Clients report that hearing a calm voice say "we have you" in a parking lot is worth every dollar.

Extracted a client from a surprise party after the surprise but before the slideshow.
Produced a verifiable plumbing emergency, with an actual plumber, in twenty-two minutes.
Once told a host the truth, as a last resort. The matter is studied internally and not discussed.

A corroborating witness seated in the firm's offices

Practice IV

Workplace & Corporate

Workplace matters demand a lighter touch, since the audience for the excuse also controls your income. The practice covers offsite retreats, trust falls, icebreakers, birthday gatherings in windowless conference rooms, and the quick call that could have been an email, for which the firm maintains a dedicated response desk.

For enterprise clients, the firm offers department-wide coverage. Please speak to Edmund. Do not email Edmund.

Excused an entire accounting team from a two-day "synergy summit" using one shared calendar artifact.
Maintained a client's reputation for punctuality across four years of never attending anything optional.
Drafted a regrets note so gracious the retreat organizer framed it.

The firm's reception, where workplace matters are discussed quietly

Unsure which practice you need?

The preliminary assessment takes under a minute and commits you to nothing, which is rather the point of the firm.

Take the Assessment